it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
