I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
