I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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