just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
