glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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