If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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