She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Can't talk, ducks in the car
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
