im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
