Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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