i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
