Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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