I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
