someone threw a dead crab at me
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
