You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
