Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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