Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
