am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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