Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
