nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
