dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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