i wish my penis had a tongue
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
