Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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