well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
