is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
