I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
