This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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