No stitches, just platelets and will power
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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