Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize