My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
