My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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