i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
