im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
