yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize