omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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