Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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