Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Holy sore nipples Batman
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
