He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
