All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
