Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
