I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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