I wish I only lived at night.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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