Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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