i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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