the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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