Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
