I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she peed on how many people?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
