Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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