I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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