I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
