I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
