How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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