He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
