theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
