The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
