WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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