i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
