So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
