life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
