Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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