sorry about calling you the devil all night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize